Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

I really, really, really hate automated phone response systems.

I'm not sure which ones are the worst- the automated response ones, where they use voice recognition technology (which doesn't work) or the ones where you eventually get directed to actual people who still don't seem to comprehend what's going on.

Have you guys guessed yet that I am still not getting my oven?

I called for the bajillionth time yesterday, and they told me it was finally in, after we ordered it in September. I spent today emptying out the kitchen in the vicinity of the old stove, and planned my whole day around the delivery of this long-awaited appliance.

Then the delivery/installer guy calls me (around the time we were supposed to get the stove) and says, "Uh...it's not there. I went to pick it up, and they said your stove is on indefinite back-order."

I called Sears- the phone number that was listed on my receipt. The phone rang and rang and rang and RANG. I was beginning to suspect that my phone call was also on indefinite backorder. Finally-

"Sears, Televisions."
"Hi, I need to speak with somebody in your Oven/Range Department."
"Ok, Hold on."
Ring...ring ring ring ring......
"Sears, Televisions."
"I just talked to you- I need to speak with someone about my oven."
"Oh- they must be backed up. Let me get someone."

"Chains of Love" comes on. I hear that song in its entirety, and then most of "ManEater."
Then...Ring ring ring...
"Sears, Major appliances."
"Hi I'm-"
"I'm sorry, can you hold?" Click. Then "Maniac" came on, which seemed vaguely appropriate. I listened to most of this before I was mysteriously cut off.

I called back, and savagely jabbed the "0" until I got the (poor, unfortunate, INNOCENT) operator.

"Sears, this is Jason. How may I direct your call?"

"I don't know. I've been transferred all over the place, put on infinite hold, and hung up on. I am just trying to figure out WHEN they are going to deliver my oven. You tell me."

"I'm getting you a manager. I'll stay with you 'tel I get someone- Just a moment, please."

God bless you, Jason! Ring ring ring ring....

"Hi, this is Chris."

"Hi Chris. I'm having some issues with a backordered oven."

"Ok. I need your name and salescheck number."

"My name is Jenna, J-E-N-

CLICK. Ring ring ring....

"Thanks for holding. We are now transferring you to the Sears Home office. Please be patient."

"Home office, this is-"

In case you were wondering, this is where I lost it.

"I was JUST talking to someone about my OVEN and I got randomly transferred in mid sentence- no offense but I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!"

"Ah- OK- this must be him right here." Click.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Chris. I'm sorry, the line just went dead."

"You transferred me to the Home Office!" (I know you pressed the button, fucker!)

"I'm sorry. How can I help you?"

"Ok. Chris. What department do you work in?"

We established that Chris is in fact a manager. I shared with him the saga of my oven. I gave him the info on my receipt. He said he'd call me right back.

"Ok- and your name is Chris, right?" (HA! So you know I'm writing it down!)

Chris did call back. Chris did not have good news. The parts to make the stove we need are backordered from an overseas source. They can't make the stove if they don't have the parts. Even I have to admit this.

I can get another (more expensive, he emphasized) stove for the same price. Sounds good, but the problem here is that the stove will not fit into our counter. Instead of the standard 30" stove, ours is 28 1/2. Goddamn those scam artists at Whirlpool. So we'd have to cut the counter and do some excavating. (And in the interim. I have measured, and we don't even have the room to do that. The INCH AND A HALF just ain't there. *&%$!!!!!!!!)

Or, we can wait another month. December 3rd. So I am effectively totally screwed for Thanksgiving, and of course, that date is during my trip to France. Maybe that's actually a good thing. I don't know if I want to be there when this is going down. I asked Chris if he was SURE and he said, vaguely- "The manufacturer feels really good about December 3rd."

Somehow, I am totally not convinced, but I really don't have much choice in the matter. I made Chris promise me that he would call them, and that I would get updates. I'm not holding my breath.

GrrrrrRRRRrrRRRRrRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I am so damn frustrated. Screw this, I am going shopping.