Thursday, October 27, 2005

Who knew it was raspberry jam?

Movie theatre conversation #1:

Outside the theatre- watching zillions of pasty-faced guys roaming unchecked through the parking lot. Mr. Phancy approaches.

Me: Thank god you're here. It's feepin' freezing, and I am one of approximately three women here.

Mr. Phancy: I don't think any of these guys have seen an actual woman in awhile.

Me: I don't think they think of me as a woman- I think I would be designated as a "female entity."

Movie Theatre Conversation #2

The part where they are hauling Princess Vespa's 8 piece luggage set, complete with matching steamer trunk, through the desert.

Bill Pullman: (OK, I'm paraphrasing) "What on earth is in this trunk?!" *Pulls out enormous hairdryer* "GAH!!"

Mr. Phancy: This so reminds me of you. I can totally see you insisting on hauling matched luggage through the desert.

Me: Thanks a lot!

Mr. Phancy: ...except your trunk would contain several hundred pairs of sparkly platform shoes.

What can I say- the man has known me since we were fourteen years old.

Funny, you don't look Druish.

Yes, my few and loyal readers, it is almost 7PM, and I am getting ready to go to Clovis (Clovis! Clovis! Land where the rednecks roam free and drive their Chevy pickup trucks and drink Budweiser with much enthusiasm!) to go see Spaceballs on the big screen.

Feel free to envy me.

I am considering wearing Wranglers. Not only would this be an ironic gesture, it may also reduce the likelihood that the good people of Clovis will try to burn me as a witch.

Now, where did I put that NRA bumper sticker?

Overheard, Chez Moi

"Pretty Biiiiird....Good Boy Good BOY! HellooooooOOoOooooo! What? Huh? Oh. Wheeeee! Wheeeee! Peep peep peep. Kitty kittykitty...C'mere! Woooo! Wahoooooo! *SCREECH* Oh NO!Hahahahahaaaaaa...cluck cluck cluck...*kissy noises*Meeeeow, mew mew, gooooood Boooooooooy....."

Repeat, ad infinitum, until I LOSE MY MIND.

24 hours until Disneyland. Then I have jury duty on Monday. Hopefully, they'll balance each other out.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Chair Dancing Unlimited...

So, today I found 005:Out of 5- Themed Mixes. 10 different people take a theme= this week's is dance music- and they pick their fave song in that category, and thus a mix is born.

The best part? You can download it, although I am actually streaming as I type. Fun stuff!

Tonight is Stitch N' Bitch, and so I am gearing up. I've taken a few days off from knitting,and I am currently an active sufferer of SSS, which is "Second Sock Syundrome" for those of you out there who are "Knuggles" (That's a non-knitter). I knit the first sock- however, finishing its twin is an insurmountable task that just might cause me to go blind with irritation.

I actually got lunch at Mimi's with hubby and a friend today, and I think I am officially sick of the place. Let's face it, I probably go there at least once a week- it's nearby, and whatever mood I am in, they have something. Although- WTF is up with them putting Craisins and those yucky pink tomatoes on everything?

Craisins are the frooo-it of the de-ville. Seriously. I have proof. I admit it- am not a dried fruit aficianado. I do occasionally use dried apricots in my lentil soup recipe, but they re-hydrate duting the cooking process, and then basically dissolve, so I feel that they don't count. At this point, importation and refrigeration techniques having advanced as they have, dried fruit is now an unnecessary abomination, and should be done away with. Come on people- Prunes. Why is this necessary?!

I also got a good dose of common sense about the joys and sorrows of being fat. Which is something I really needed to hear, especially after the infamous Baskin Robbins incident.

I could add a couple positives: I've had people tell me (more than once) that I was wonderful to hug. Of course, that could be because of the boobs, but hey, they're part of the deal. Then of course there was the whole "Goddess" episode (see Fat Flashback #2 in here somewhere).

The negatives- The link mentions people assuming that you're pregnant- I have never gotten that one (luckily). The one that I have gotten that wasn't mentioned- Men approaching me at clubs/the gym/grocery shopping, and when I turned them down for one reason or another-(Usually sheer aggressiveness or unbridled obnoxiousness) calling me a "fat bitch". Like that's the worst thing they can possibly say. My general response was usually, "That's right- Fat bitch who TURNED YOU DOWN." Then they would slink off into the underbrush like a wounded hyena.

So- I feel that I should clarify. While the weight battle goes on, I am going to continue being healthy about it, and "getting skinny" isn't really part of the equation. Thank God.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

It's tracksuit time!

Officially. Those of you who know me, this is your warning. Anyone who makes a reference to J-Lo will be shot without mercy. I will be wearing the green one, the turquoise one, the red one, the black one, the navy one, and yes, the orchid-colored one. Possibly even the magenta one. Fortunately, not all at the same time.

And yes, Dave, I will wear them with heels.

And no, none of them say "Juicy" across the ass. I feel a. My ass needs to ornamentation- it can stand on its own, and b. If you're going to stitch "Juicy" on your ass, you may as well tattoo "Hooker" or "Desperate for Attention from Random Lech- Really, I'm not Kidding- no seriously, Try me, I'm FREE" on your forehead.

There is a very cranky green bird on my shoulder, who is trying to test my pain and annoyance levels by alternately biting me on the ear, and then retreating either to that spot on my back that I can't reach, or the top of my head, where he gets tangled in my hair. When I finally grab him, he takes off flapping onto the floor, which luckily scares the bejeezus out of the cat. (Who is either a pacifist, a wuss, or just really, really lazy). Then I try putting the bird back in his cage and he screams and screams and screams.

I keep thinking,"This is what motherhood must be like..." However. I didn't have to incubate him for 9 months, and he's probably never going to wreck my car or bring home trampy obnoxious girlfriends wearing plasic miniskirts. Hm. On the other hand, while he will probably outlive me, he's certainly not going to be able to support me and stick me in a nursing home in my declining years.

Actually, I'm not sure if that's a negative, either.

Friday, October 21, 2005


It's been a lazy Friday- mostly cleaning. I am excited that I got some new movies today from Netflix- and also bummed, because they haven't posted the movie that I returned yesterday. They are slacking. Bastards.

In other news, I am still putting together the new entertainment center, and cataloguing all the nicks and scratches that I am going to need to touch up on that sucker. Bah!

It's a busy couple of weeks coming up- I think I mentioned that I finally did submit my passport paperwork, ironically on the last possible day before I would have to pay the extra 60 bucks or so to get it expedited.

In this picture, I don't look laminated- I look puffy, royally pissed off, and possibly drunk. The puffy was because I hadn't slept the night before. The pissed is due to my erstwhile Postal Employee Photographer's insistence that I pull my hair back to expose my ears.

My naturally poofy hair doesn't do that without being restrained in a ponytail- seriously. I tried tucking it behind my ears twice, and then beeyotch snapped the photo- like, 1/4 of one ear is showing, and just to be truly evil, she lowered the camera below my chin level, because my face is not round enough already. God, I hate the post office. ROWR!

Anyway, I am just relieved that's off my plate.

I am going to a Halloween party tomorrow night, Disneyland an a Bauhaus concert next weekend, and then I have a couple weeks to hang before the visit to my sister in S.F. And then my birthday, Thanksgiving, and PARIS- I leave eeeeeeeeeearly on Dec. 2nd.

I have been knitting a ton, lately, and I am wanting to cook and bake almost constantly. I want my new oven! It should be here in another week or so. Hopefully. Oh lordie, looking at the paragraph above- I am going to need to start shopping for the holidays ASAP.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

File under WTF?

Upon reviewing the hits I got in the last week or so-

Evidently, my blog is the second thing that comes up on MSN if you search for "doing housework nude".

Hey, I think that's hilarious. Talk amongst yourselves!

Compliments and other random happenings

It was a good day today. Or yesterday as it's around 3AM right now, and I think it's safe to say that my sleep schedule is officially messed up.

I spent last night rearranging our copious collection of DVD's and VHS tapes (yup, still got those) into our newly acquired entertainment center. They are alphabetized and everything- we'll see how long it lasts. Yes, I am amazed that we had room for all of them! There are 263 DVD's at last count, and I haven't tallied the VHS tapes yet- an educated guess would be close to 500 movies.

Can you tell both Alan and I are media-philes? This goes without mentioning the obscene amount of books and music we also have. However- surprisingly little overlap when we got married and merged our lives and our collections.

The movies- I have a ton of 80's john-hughes kinda stuff, classics (Gone With The Wind et al), comedies (romantic and otherwise) musicals, some chick flicks, and a bunch of foreign films. He has anything to do with action/adventure, sci-fi, war, or the mafia. Plus My Best Friend's Wedding. ( I was stunned when I saw that one, I can tell you- sandwiched right between Men In Black and Platoon.)

Music- I like rock from the fifties, swing from the forties to present, Industrial, Dance/Techno, Alt-rock, and New Wave. He likes pop, country, and classical. We're both into soundtracks and compilations, for reasons that should be obvious by now.

Although, I am noticing that some of my edgier CD's have been mysteriously making their way into his truck, and that the Mariah Carey CD's have mysteriously disappeared, so I suspect that I am a good influence.

Like I mentioned, tonight was good. Met up with my buddy, discussed the inexplicable fact that we've known one another half our lives and that it was my good fortune to be one of the first people he met when he'd just arrived with his family from Canada. By some miracle, he ended up sitting in front of me in freshman English.

I just remember my 14-year-old incredulity when he told me that his family didn't have a television- they'd made a deal where they went out to the movies as a family once a week instead.

So- that was nice. And I wore my new coat/jacket/sweater for the first time, and got complimented by the waitress and by my buddy- so I got to say "Thanks...I made it myself!!"

He also had work-related tale of woe that was similar to mine- and is now lucky enough to be happily working in the family business.

The longer I am around, the more I realize that the more competent you are, the more you get dumped on- and the more likely it is that the slackers and brownnosers get promoted above you, so they can recline on their bed of slack and delegate even more crap down to you until you eventually have to quit or eat your own head to keep from exploding in a cloud of wrath. It's kinda sad, really.

So! We had salads, then went to Bev-mo and checked out the wide variety of exotic sodas and British candy selection. Does it get anymore freaking wholesome than that?

Monday, October 17, 2005

We make great pets...

Testing, 1,2,3.....

Since I already have a parrot, two dogs, and an enormously fat feline....

I obviously needed a purple hedgehog. Voila- Hermione! (What a perfect little hedgie name...) If you click on her, she will jump and do tricks (also, she is mercifully silent!)

adopt your own virtual pet!

Here's some pictures of the real-life aminals that share our household:

Bear & Bosco

Oh- and did I mention? We bought our midnight showing Harry Potter tickets, people!

Yes, I am a dork. But surrounded by other dorks, it's not as noticeable.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Ohmigod ohmigod...

S'been a week. What can I say?

I got in touch with an old friend a few days ago, so I am currently in negotiations as to when we get to have dinner and catch up. It's been a year or so, which is entirely my fault, and I have been missing him a great deal.

Besides, it'll be great to give the waitress at Masala, my fave Indian restaurant, something to talk about. So far I've gone there with at least three guy friends, not to mention my usual female partner in crime. Alan, the hubby, has yet to make an appearance. Since he works swings, and I only eat dinner there- well. Do the math.

My insane green parrot and I are currently listening to a "new" radio station for the Fresno area- Jack, 105.9. While it's nothing like the old station that was there when I was in high school (The EDGE! FOREVER!) it's on heavy rotation chez moi. Nice blend of rock, with some pop and an occasional disco song. They've played Billy Idol, the Divinyls, Rod Stewart, and a bunch of newer stuff in the last hour.

Anyway, Vegas (the parrot) definitely likes it- he's going "Wooooo! WoOOOOOOOOoooOooooOOoo!" and swinging on his favorite toy with the bell on the end. Yes, it's hilarious.

I spent tonight with my family. My sister was in town for her high school reunion, and we dragged out her old yearbooks and looked at all the insane stuff that was written in there. Dad made spaghetti, and we just hung out.

It was great. They were all determined to go to Baskin Robbins, so my mom, sister and I ended up going. They all got sundaes, and I was fairly good, and got a one scoop Daiquiri Ice.

Here's where I need to say, I hate buying and eating ice cream in a public place. Something wretched always seems to happen to me. I can get a junior scoop of sugar-free vanilla, and seriously, some moron will emerge from the woodwork and make some comment about my weight, I swear to god.

Anyway, we're standing there waiting to pay, and what I am assuming is a family walks in. A dad, his teenage daughter, and two boys who looked to be about 15- prime idiot age. I am guessing they're his son and a friend. One (the son)has his arm in a sling.

So they're crowding in behind me. I am literally squeezed up against the ice cream counter, trying to give them more room, but they keep pushing. The dad asks his kid, one of the boys, "What are you getting?" And then heads to the other side of the counter to check out the other flavors.

The kid is standing right up near me, and says, "I don't know yet" in a loud voice, and then mutters to his buddy, "Because this b*tch's fat ass is blocking my view." They dissolve into giggles.

OK, so I am there with my family. They haven't heard it. I don't think I was meant to hear it either. I can tell their older sister has though, and to give her credit, she looks ashamed, and goes off to stand with her dad, who isn't exactly svelte either, by the way.

There have been a lot of times when I just wouldn't say anything. I know the little idiot was just showing off for his friend, but I just saw red, and I snapped.

I deliberately turned around and gave them the hairy eyeball until they stopped laughing, then hissed, "Fuck off, or me and my fat ass will break your other arm for you."

Hostile and wrong? Yes. I sort of feel guilty about it. But! They immediately shut up and went over to the other side of the ice cream store. So maybe it was worth it. The punchline is that my mom and sister didn't know what was going on until we got back into the car.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Don't even think about it....

Originally uploaded by jenna_sais_quoi.
*SNAP* Too late! Thanks, Dave. The moment is now captured on film. No make up, irritated expression, threatening posture. (Still, it's kinda funny.)

Actually, it's pretty cool, because I basically painted 90 percent of a humongoid entertainment center alll by myself today. Hubby did the heavy lifting, and tried to keep me from freaking out when the wind blew dust or the tarp right into my wet paint.

The project took allllll daaaaay. I still have dark brown paint on my arms, which doesn't appear to be coming off anytime soon. But, the living room now looks fabbity fab (pictures forthcoming- I say that a lot, don't I?) And the biggie- there will soon be enough room in the garage so I can park my car insuide, and it won't be sitting outdoors getting filthy all the damn time.

Other than that- just hung out this evening, and relaxed. It's been a productive couple of days- I also fuinished re-plastering the long wall in our living room, so we'll be getting color on the walls soon- I can't wait!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Ahem. Bitterness.


There's not a lot I can say here. Suffice it to say that we ended up going out to Logan's with my brother and sister-in-law. We had a great time, (I love them!) But...Yeah. I will NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT GETTING CARDED AGAIN. Because my husband (who has gray hair, people! Gray HAIR!) and my S.I.L. got carded. I didn't.

OK, they are both younger than me. But still.

That was minor though, compared to the comment that made me realize that my in-laws have been conveniently forgetting my birthday for the last two years, but seem to remember hubby's brother's wife's birthday just fine- she mentioned that they were going over to the house to pick up her "birthday check". I haven't gotten a card from these people- for my birthday, or for that matter, for our last two anniversaries.

I didn't say anything about it, much like I didn't mention it when my S.I.L unconsciously repeated an insult re: my wedding pictures- made by my mother-in-law. Because I didn't want to make my brother and sister-in-law or my husband feel uncomfortable.

I feel selfish for letting it bother me, but...well, it's kind of upsetting.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Sleep is for the weak.

Once again, I am up at an asinine hour, playing on my computer for no good reason. The man is snoring away, and I should be cleaning in anticipation of my erstwhile Father-In-Law, who is coming to check out the new/old car tomorrow.

Instead, I am, as previously mentioned, playing. Muuahahahhaaaaaaa!

I still haven't taken Halloween pics. I still hnaven't taken knitting pics. But I did....are you ready? get my BIRTH CERTIFICATE today. So I can go get the stuff for the passport tomorrow.

I am seriously excited beyond all belief.

I also managed to get some Indian Food today. Oh, and I watched Highlander.

Is it peculiar that the waitress at the Indian restaurant freaks out when I come in with someone new? She asked about my usual Partner in Indian Food- I think she was afraid that she was eaten by wild boars or something. She actually said, "What happened to your friend?!" I indicated my new dining partner and said, ", I have more than ONE friend, you know." *cough*cough*

If I ever actually bring the hubby in there, she'll probably die of shock. In the meantime, she'll have to think that I'm having a thing with my neighbor Dave.

As for Highlander- OK, I had to see it...because of THIS. There can be Only One! (Unfortunately, I think there were two sequels..."There can be Only Three?")

So, I was under the impression that I had seen Highlander at a high-school era slumber party, but after seeing it again, I realized that I had fallen asleep from psychotic boredom 20 minutes in, and when I woke up, I probably actually caught the last half of "A Room With a View." Nude male full-frontal frolicking in the woods! Merchant & Ivory! I seem to recall a lot of giggling. And rewinding. And more giggling. Then I probably fell asleep again.

Um- anyway, Highlander is still boring. Although the fact that a French guy plays the Scottish guy, and Sean Connery plays- a Spanish Egyptian (with a Scottish accent)and that evidently the whole soundtrack was by Queen....Ah, the 80's! At one time, some producer somewhere thought the casting was a stroke of genius.

My buddy and I actually kept awake by making fun of it. (Mature commentary, like: "There can be only one!" and "I can crush a walnut with my butt!") The possibility of all of them just having a "walk-off" came up more than once. Let us not go into the whole multiple disposable blonde frizzy-haired female screamers thing. Feh.

I like the 30 second movie better. Although, my buddy assures me that the TV series was a different story and had a highly attractive (possibly less Cro-Magnon) male lead to boot who had a believable Scottish accent.Humph. How did I miss that?

Is it wrong that I want to set fire to the 8 million pounds of laundry that seems to have heaved itself up onto my living room couch?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Yes, I have finally gone crazy....

Murray 2
Originally uploaded by jenna_sais_quoi.
Guess what I did today?

I was supposed to clean, but uh....instead, I decorated for Halloween.

If you don't know that Halloween is my favorite holiday, consider yourself warned- I don't just put one of those "crashing witch" things on my front door and call it a day.

I actually have three boxes and several more bags, of Halloween decorations.

Anyway, I put a bunch of stuff outside- I am not going to have a party this year, so I am not going to really decorate the inside of the house- and it took me the better part of the morning and afternoon.

Then I surveyed the huge empty patch of dirt that will one day be a patio, right off to the side of the front door. I think I am going to bit the bullet and turn that into a "graveyard"- I'll have Alan cut out gravestones with his reciprocating saw, and then I'll paint them.

Then for some reason, I was going through my Halloween boxes, and found a huge wad of really ugly gauze fabric. I am not sure where it came from, or why on earth I had it, but I guess something clicked- and thus Murray came into being. I think we'll showcase him partying in the "graveyard" on Halloween night.

As an aside, I forgot that I left him sitting in the entryway about an hour ago, and I just glimpsed him out of the corner of my eye- and he scared the bejeezus outta me! Whoops.