Thursday, November 30, 2006

Oh HELL no.

I went to Walgreens with The Man the other night- he needed to pick up some decongestants, and I needed to pick up some shampoo.

It was around 7 PM, and I guess while I was looking at the shampoo, a stockboy was shoving large boxes of Christmas yard decor onto the top shelf in the next aisle.

The Man called me, and I went to the end of the aisle at the same point when I guess the stockboy shoved too hard, and 15 boxes of wrought iron holiday lawn art slammed down off the top shelves, exactly where I had been standing about a second before.

Dumbass. Then when I asked the stockboy "What happened?" he denied all knowledge of the incident.

Having narrowly escaped death-by-falling-wrought-iron-reindeer, I remembered that I needed ribbon to wrap my Christmas presents. The Man grudgingly followed me over to the aisle- there was a sweet little old lady (we're talking grey curly Grandma bob, wire rimmed glasses, the whole shebang) looking at gift wrap.

While I rummaged for some silver ribbon, The Man promptly found a gold mylar pre-made bow the size of a dinner plate. I deflected him when he acted like he was going to stick it to my head.

TM: "Didn't you have a dress with one of these on it in 1980?"

Me: "Dude. In 1980, I was FIVE."

The little old lady chimes in, "You'd better behave yourself there- she just might tie you up if you don't!"

Uhhhh....OK. Since I am holding about 300 yards of silver ribbon...and it IS a little old lady. So it's probably not a kinky reference, right? Right.

I give the Man the hairy eyeball. "Yeah. Behave yourself." I kind of shrug and laugh.

Little old lady: "If you're naughty, she might not just tie you up...she could handcuff you! And they don't always have those nice fleece liners!"

At this point, she winked lecherously. And that's when I grabbed The Man and the ribbon and we hightailed it out of there.

WTF is up with Walgreens, people? Is it Christmas that is making everyone crazy? The hell?

Monday, November 13, 2006

My week in video

I have decided that this is what it's like to be me right now.

The part where the hamster gets hurled out of the wheel and wanders around in a daze? That's my weekend.

The Man just came out of hibernation, and we had the following exchange:

Me: "Getting ready for work, sweetie?"

The Man: "Work?"

Me: "Um, how is that surprising? Yes, work."

The Man: (patiently) "This is my night off, hon. Remember?"

D'Oh! I am seriously losing it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Can I get a "do over?"

So this last week?

Thank heaven, the work week is over.

I mean, I am not expecting anything miraculous this weekend. The way this week has gone, as long as there is no plague of locusts, or rain of blood and frogs, it's all good.

I am going out on a limb saying that, because I am taking Greyhound to SF again this weekend, which may be considered another sign of the apocalypse.

I am usually incredibly responsible when it comes to work. However, being sick messed me up in more ways than I ever could have imagined. (Note to self: you are human. Suck it up, let someone else take care of it!) Besides the chills the other night, I had a temp over 102, which for good old sub-normal temp me, is more like 104. Evidently, it boiled my brain. I missed several appointments, and generally was in a fog for two days, during which I made at least 4 major work-related mistakes that I am still kicking myself over.

I am feeling better today, and I am hoping that I will be good to go for another week at work. I got the news today that I am basically booked through the end of the year, which is just insane. I am going to be training people to pick up some of the slack next week, because the demand is huge. It's thrilling for me, because I love this company, and I am doing my best to get them as many bookings as I can finagle.

It pleases me to no end, however, to find out that I have a waiting list. Teachers are calling in, requesting me to come to their classes again, and when they find out I am booked, are actually requesting to wait until I have an open day...even when they find out it will most likely be sometime in February. That is about as cool, and as flattering, as it gets. I am blown away.

It does make things harder on some level. I am thrilled that the kids like me, and incredibly happy in my job.

Here's the problem. I take questions at the beginning and end of my classes. Being kids, the first questions usually have nothing to do with why I am there, but I answer them anyway. Questions two and three are usually things like, "What's your favorite color?" and "What's your favorite animal?" Question number one: "Do you have a family? Do you have kids? Or just "How many kids do you have?"

When I say no kids, I have a big huge husband and a lot of pets, they get...well, indignant is the best word.

"But why not!!! Your kids would have so much fun!!! You could do science with them at home, and they would be so lucky!!!"

Ouch. Just....ouch. Luckily, I am out of the teary stage, because as it is, it damn near does me in. EVERY time.

Anyway. Today I managed the Big Three Questions from a class full of fourth graders and then another little boy raised his hand.

"When's the guy getting here? Isn't there a guy?"

I was puzzled for about a second, and then I pointed to my lab coat and said, "I'M the guy!!!" And I made a silly face at him.

The class all busted up laughing. The teacher explained that she had talked to a guy on the phone, which was why they had been expecting a male scientist- but wasn't it great that I was a woman? Because girls can grow up to be scientists too!

I guess the little girls felt empowered, which is great. They all swarmed my table after the presentation- asking where to get dry ice, and telling silly knock knock jokes. I hit them with the vintage interrupting cow joke and they went bananas. It was hilarious- they were all squealing and slapping their teensy knees, and then they followed me out into the parking lot, offering to carry stuff for me. The teacher from the class saw them and called after me, "I'm jealous! You already have groupies!!"

The good outweighs the bad- definitely. And I have to remember, my knock knock jokes from 1982 will always be a hit with the fourth graders of the world. I have found my audience! If I had my own kids, they'd eventually hit puberty and find my mere prescence to be totally humiliating.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thrills and chills

First of all, I just realized that this is my 200th post. Holy crap!

Second of all (reference the "chills" above) I am sick. With my usual creeping crud, on top of what is evidently the flu. I have a fever, with chills, and while I am not barfing yet...

"By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes."

I did go to work today, and I was just in a daze. It's been a hard week, I accidentally released some of the kids in my class yesterday 15 minutes early, and the pissed-off parents called my workplace. I evidently had mis-set my watch. So I explained, did the whole mea culpa thing, and hopefully now we've moved on. My usual tendancy is to beat myself up about it, but hey, it was an honest mistake, and nothing (thanks to Baby Jesus) bad happened to any of the kids I released.

Halloween was hilarious. The animatronic bat has been in use for three years, and now the neighborhood kids look forward to it. It amuses me that my home is known in the neighborhood lexicon as "the bat house!!!!"

I guess it's better than "That house with the unmowed lawn."