Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Open letter to the moron in Vons.

Dear Musclehead:

I am sorry if my purchases offended you. Yes, I eat ground turkey, smoked sausage, and low carb ice cream. And I'm not dead yet- sorry.

I can assume from your cart that you are really, really, really INTO bananas. I am sure that you can gather from my cart that I am on Atkins. Although, since you couldn't remember your own phone number, I may be giving you much more credit for brainpower than you deserve.

I especially like how you got all pissed off when you forgot your Vons card and had a hissy fit until the checkout guy reminded you that the only thing you're buying is bananas, and they're not on special, anyway. Mad props to you!

I don't know if you're a. a vegan, or b. just generally a hemmorhoid on a monkey's butt. I'd bet money on the latter. But from the look of disgust on your face as you gazed FIXEDLY from my purchases, back to me, to my husband, and back to my purchases again, I think you must not be entirely devoid of brain cells. Because we're both a hell of a lot bigger than you. Which is probably why you elected not to spew the lecture that was visibly brewing in your pointy little head.

By the way, the ratty gray cut-off sweats layered over the sassy red bike pants? And the all-pervading reek of testosterone? Nice.

In any case, we do eat produce, but I don't buy it from Vons. I buy organic. Asshole.

Have fun with those bananas! I hope they're infested with tarantulas.


1 comment:

Reluctant Misanthrope said...


I hate people who sit there in judgment appraising people's grocery purchases and have the sheer nerve to react noticeably like that.