Sunday, February 12, 2006

Jenna's Velociraptor Theory

OK, here goes-

I have this theory that men are like velociraptors.

The men I have relayed it to seem to enjoy the vision of themselves as sharp-toothed predators running amok, and the women I have told seem to relate to it, as long as they've seen Jurassic Park (Who hasn't?)

Men are like velociraptors.

If you do happen to entrap one, they do OK in captivity, but they will always feel the need to check the fences. These fences, it goes without saying, need to be in place before the velociraptor is lured into the corral. Otherwise, he will just snarl at you and charge back out again, and you'll look and feel kind of stupid.

Anyway. The nasty shocks from the electrification tend to keep them in check, but one day they might get bored and charge the fence, just for kicks. Alas! There was a power surge or something, and your velociraptor is now running unchecked through the underbrush.

Eventually, your velociraptor may get tired of rampaging, and start to feel a little tired and hungry. (Or he'll get old and skanky and not be able to catch prey anymore, and die a horrible lonely death.)

In the event that he cannot figure out how to open doors and devour succulent small children who are hiding in the kitchen, he may decide that he was probably better off in the corral. Admittedly, he had less room to run around, but got provided with tasty goat tartar, not to mention protection from larger predators like the T-Rex or global warming.

When and if the velociraptor comes back, you must be prepared. You can take him back in, as long as you reinforce the barricades. If you have already entrapped a new velociraptor, you can either shoo him away or immobilize him with your handy tranquilizer gun and see who comes first- T-Rex, or those icky frilled lizard looking thingies. Presumably, this will both relieve your feelings and serve as a powerful visual to your new captive.

If you do welcome him back into the fold, fence-testing is just a regular part of his life, and makes him feel like he is still a powerful reptilian entity.

The Man: "What if the velociraptor learns to jump?"

Me: "You're seriously better off without him."

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