Thursday, September 01, 2005

Promises, promises...

I am going to the gym tomorrow. If I don't, you guys are seriously required to beat me up. Or at least, send me guilt-inducing e-mails, I mean it.


I've been doing some thinking. (Surprised?)

This comes from a minor tiff I had with my husband the other day. Here's the Reader's Digest Version:

Me: I hate it when you squeeze my tummy.

Him: Why not? I like your tummy!

Me: Well, I don't.

Him: I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Me: I am just self-conscious, because I'm fat.

Him: You're not fat.

Me: Um, actually, I am.

Him: Well, I don't think of you that way. When I look at you, I don't think that you're fat. I just know that I love you.

Repeat, with variations, on a regular basis.

Yes, it's very sweet. And I didn't push the issue too far. But the thing is, this is not a matter of perception. While I know the BMI is a load of garbage, it places me firmly in the "obese" category.

I have accepted the fact that I am fat, and have a realistic perception of how to handle it. I mean, I weigh just under 240 lbs, and at 5'7", I carry it frighteningly well- which is probably why I let things go so far before I do something about it.

I have struggled with my weight for around two decades now- my first WW membership was as young as they'll take you- and it's just been a slippery slope since then. I have gained and lost so much weight, and my body image has morphed back and forth so much, that I have been startled by photographs where I look like a completely different person- like the image in my mind has been inflated. Or I'll see the reflection of me minus 30 lbs in a mirror or window as I pass, and honestly have no clue for a few seconds that it's me.

The thing is, when I reach my goal weight of 180- I will still, by most conventional standards, be "fat". I identify myself as fat, and to tell you the truth, I am working past considering it an insult. To me, 180 is a completely healthy and responsible weight, and would put me somewhere in the neighborhood of a size 10. If that's fat- so be it. Hollywood and New York Fashion Week can just BITE ME.

Having said that, I ordered an art print last week. I saw it online and fell in love with it- I think this woman is absolutely gorgeous. Also, if you haven't seen "Monsoon Wedding", it's one of my favorite movies. Yes, there are some subtitles, but it's so worth it. You see gorgeous people, who look *gasp* normal, and the storyline is fantastic.

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