It is that time of the year. The year when we are all waging the war against The Fat. The magical time when Weight Watchers waives their membership fee. Most people have made the resolution to lose 10, 20, 100 lbs., whatever. Actually, statistically, most of those well-meaning New Year's resolutions have tanked by now.
By the way, I am embracing the word fat. It isn't a "four-letter word". I am reclaiming it, much like the words "gay" and "bitch" have been reclaimed over the years. Because, you know, fat isn't evil. It's been stigmatized over the years, and used as an insult, etc. But underneath it all, fat is just...well, fat. Some people might find it offensive, but there it is.
When I started this blog, it was supposed to be a "fascinating" portrayal of my weight loss, hence the name. I posted what I had for lunch every day, posted inches, posted weight loss and gain and possibly charted the phases of the moon, and then I realized that it was the most boring thing ever, and I just sort of abandoned it.
I went through a few more weight loss phases, one more just before Christmas, and then I had my infamous baby-related melt down, and I just stopped.
I am thinking about getting back on the horse again, but I am not sure how much I want to write about it here.
The thing is, all those goals for 2007 I was talking about? There's another that I hadn't shared, and it is this:
I am letting go of The Hate. The Hate of The Fat. The Hate for my body, and all the ways it isn't thin enough, or muscular enough, or smooth enough, or, let's face it, good enough, for me.
That's the thing. This is strictly MY problem. My husband has no quarrel with what I weigh or how my body looks. So that means that the problem lies with me and the media, and about 20 years of social programming.
I still intend to watch what I eat and exercise. But I also intend to buy clothes and do things that make me feel good about my body now. If I want a black satin shirt, I will buy it now, and not "when I lose 10 pounds." If I want a manicure, I will get one, not as a reward for a good weight loss week, but because I deserve it. Because I do deserve it, damn it!
I am going to be positive about The Fat. And I think that society is following suit, because in the last few weeks, there have been some bizarre corrolaries to my realization.
Last week, as I was driving to the store, I saw a teenaged couple, walking along together. The guy was a typical, cute, skinny, tall 15 year old- skater-ish fashion-wise. He reminded me a little of a puppy, when they are all head and tail and paws, right before they get that huge growth spurt.
The girl was around the same age, and was probably a size 16-18. She was wearing a really cute jacket and a scarf headband and she had on lipgloss and adorable boots and figure conscious jeans that hugged her and accentuated every curve.
As they went, they held hands, occasionally smacking at each other playfully, talking and laughing, and they only had eyes for each other.
Am I crazy? When I was that age, 15 to 20 years ago, that NEVER would have happened. EVER. First of all, the only clothes you could get as a plus-sized teen were the exact opposite of fashionable. You were lucky if you came home from the mall with a paisley caftan. Second, no boy your age would be caught dead in public with you.
Am I wrong? Am I remembering this incorrectly?
Maybe so, but every time I mention this to a friend, they treat it the same way- like I had been driving along, and just happened to spot a unicorn.
One of my best friends mentioned that she has put on weight, and her boyfriend seems to find her even more irresistable with her new curves. She sheepishly confessed that she's considering losing some weight, so maybe she can get some sleep!
And if anyone deserved it, it's her. I think her last boyfriend had a temper tantrum every time she would gain 5 pounds, and would say things like, "Why won't I bring you flowers? Let's see- if you lost weight, maybe I'd bring you flowers." Ouch.
Even more positive- The Golden Globes.
I was riveted. Not only were there the usual size zeros present...But usually, the only larger ladies that you'd see were Queen Latifah, and, well....that's it!
This year, there was America Ferrera. Jennifer Hudson. And Salma Hayek, who is not exactly plus sized, but is definitely curvier than the standard Hollywood frame, and she had the guts to wear white grecian-inspired drapery. They looked so lush and gorgeous standing up next to the stick thin starlets.
Anyway, it made me think. Maybe the rampant fat-hatred is dissipating? I certainly hope so. I think it's about time.